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Saturday, June 15, 2024
Laterally SpeakingDevon & Dorset Detox

Devon & Dorset Detox

Do you feel exhausted and burned out? Do you fail to get a proper night’s sleep? Perhaps you crawl through your day like an eyes wide-shut tortoise?

If so, you’re probably suffering from TATT! Yes, really…

TATT stands for ‘Tired All The Time’—a gloomy dormant condition that almost certainly applies to me and possibly many other people. It’s mostly to do with the end of Winter, particularly as we haul ourselves out of a miserable and wet February and March. Right now, I personally feel like a cold and damp hedgehog trying to slowly unwrap itself from a dank hibernation ball.

Perhaps you also feel like you’ve run out of batteries and you’re in need of a spring break? Well, wait no more. Spring is finally here carrying with it a strong smell of fresh mint, green apples and broccoli all whizzed up in a juicer and served with a crunch of crisp celery in a tall glass of frothy green goo.

Yes, it’s time for a good detox to clear out the system and rinse all those nasty impurities from our mouldy bodies. Just like flushing the pipes in your central heating, you need to wash it all out before you can fill up again. Get Clean! Be Refreshed! Wake Up and Smell the Coffee! Only, no… That’s one thing you can’t have—coffee. Nor tea, nor chocolate, nor anything with caffeine, nor any sort of additive and don’t even think about alcohol. Processed meats and sugary foods are out, and so are foods high in salt, bad fats and artificial ingredients. Well, that’s me straight off the list… that’ll mean no more breakfasts at McDonalds (Sorry, I may be alone but I do so love a Sausage Egg McMuffin!). So, I’ll have to trash the junk stuff and pour myself a nice glass of beetroot, carrot and ginger instead. Or maybe a cup of lemon laced with turmeric? Yum!

Twenty years ago, people used to pay vast sums to vanish off to the Swiss Alps or a 5-star spa hotel up the end of some Norwegian Fjord for a dramatic diet and a detox regime involving a celery stick for lunch and a mug of parsley and spinach juice for supper. The more expensive the retreat, the less you got to eat. And then they would return to their friends one week later positively glowing with joy and health: “…and what’s more we’ve lost weight too!” they would blush with well-polished smiles. Well, of course they lost weight! And so would anyone if all they’d eaten were a couple of blueberries and some kale soup while getting seriously fit cycling hundreds of static miles on a gymnasium bike while being earnestly pampered by people in white coats. But now, you can do all of that and more in the UK!

I’ve just googled ‘Detox West Country’ and there are literally hundreds of places you can retreat to all over Devon and Dorset. And Somerset too, although there don’t appear to be many detox retreats near Bridgwater or Brean. Why is this? Perhaps the further North you go in Somerset, the less the need for local detoxification. It may have something to do with one’s proximity to Bath? No doubt a commercial opportunity beckons!

They can be as small as a spare bedroom or a converted tool-shed or as large as a stately manor, but you’ll find loads of private detox friendly retreats. You can spend a couple of days or a whole fortnight of mild exercise and gentle rinsing out, plus pottery, art, books and talks on “Wellness” (a phrase much quoted on these websites, but nobody seems to know what it means beyond being sort of vaguely healthy). Costs vary according to the facilities and the menu. You can have a few nice glasses of fresh juice and a walk down the garden or you can enter a full-sized gym with delicious meals of spinach and guava and nuts plus a slice of chicken or fish—all magnificently presented and cooked by top nutritional chefs. The choice is yours. This whole “Wellness” thing (that word again) has become a huge leisure industry without me even realising it. It’s obviously time for me to wake up and smell the er… um… Mint?

I’m going to cash in. I’ll put my old exercise bike in our garage plus my dad’s narrow WW2 camp bed on the floor and install a cold-water spa (garden hose) for 100% all natural colonic (or other type of) irrigation. ‘Can’t be too luxurious or my clients will smell a rat. Actually, they may easily spot one as I think I saw a tail behind a pile of wood in the corner. And then I can bring them glasses of foaming green brown mush (rhubarb and loganberry juice with added cumin and lettuce) twice a day. Plus some YouTube clips of ‘Wellness’ advice on their TV. “Kwik Kleen Thru”—your Budget Dorset Detox. A bit like a car wash, I reckon…


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