Dragons’ Den

First broadcast in 2005, it’s been a regular fixture on BBC 1 for over 17 years. I don’t know if you, like me, also enjoy a regular visit to ‘the Den‘. Some of the original dragons are still there—nowadays getting quite long in their dragons’ teeth. And then there’s the weekly flow of new and hopeful entrepreneurs awaiting the possibility of Dragon cash for their various ideas and inventions which range from the faintly useful but boring to the unusual and financially loony. I am however getting a little tired of some of the inventions I’ve seen recently. Not another healthy coffee maker, please! And even worse, I’ve seen more types of over-clever stationery and address books when all I really needed was paper and pencil! Maybe someone should try ‘edible notepaper’? And what about the idea of a disposable dog bowl? Not for me—too obvious. The device should have read ‘disposable dog’, rather than ‘disposable bowl’. Now, that would have been more memorable! I also might have invested in it myself. So here are my lateral inventions to tickle anyone’s financial flutter. Dragon’s Den people—do feel free to use any of these ideas—no charge!
Like many other UK homes, are you an ‘Alexa’ house yet? I bought her a couple of years ago and we’ve got her installed here at Walwyn Towers, although she sends my wife mad when her radio keeps dropping out. I quite like her voice and I find her quite useful but only at particular times of the day like for making shopping lists or turning off the lights. The rest of the time she can be very annoying. Anyway, I probably need one in every room to make her truly useful. I wonder, do you sing in your bath? Or maybe you like to talk to yourself in the bathroom? Lots of people do apparently, so don’t be shy! If so, what you need is a truly sympathetic digital partner—someone (or something) who listens sensitively to your problems and advises you what to do next. All Alexa will say when I ask her is “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding anything right now. Please try later.” This is worse than useless. I want an electronic thing that can sensibly argue any subject – UK politics, Russia and Ukraine, Spurs’ football matches or who’s going to win Strictly? My new invention will also monitor my dental hygiene and wash my back while singing me the News. Alexa can’t do that. Dare I say it, but Alexa’s just a little too dim for me! Maybe in five years’ time, Alexa will be up to the job of Top Conversationist and Home Assistant, but she can’t do it right now.
My invention will also be able to accompany my singing. She would harmonize with my voice and make me sound absolutely brilliant with an automatic Heavenly Choir accompaniment while correcting any of my musical mistakes. Modern technology is wonderful!
I’d also like some major new inventions with glasses or contact lenses which have been around for decades.
How about zoom contact lenses? Blink once and your eyes will zoom in to look at anything more closely. Blink twice to return to ‘normal’ viewing. So useful! Here’s another invention I’d like to see… a TV that doesn’t just bend in half (I had a phone like that—expensive and too breakable), but it also rolls up like a towel so you can lie it flat in a drawer when you’re finished with it. I’m not sure you could wash it though… I think we’ve got one on those coming on Amazon next week?
I have lots more ideas for people who live in small apartments and simply don’t have enough room for extras like pets. I particularly like the ‘Thru the Window’ Pet cage. You open the window and fix it round your window frame, so your hamster, rabbit, dog, cat, pet rat or whatever can sit in your window hanging basket and get some nice fresh air while looking vertically downwards onto the street below. Your Kitty-Kat should be delighted to be safely suspended over the heads of passers-by. Perhaps it could cough up fur-balls and casually let them drop onto unsuspecting people below. Or maybe drop half-dead little birds or mice or horrid unmentionable smelly things onto any passing dogs below. Such fun! And then there’s the Hamster exercise wheel which will be connected to your mobile phone charger of course. Watch your pet get exercised while the little wheel in his cage whirrs round and round and charges up your talk-time! You could also make the wheel play nice tunes to make the day go past peacefully.