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Tuesday, June 18, 2024
Laterally SpeakingMan Made Miracles

Man Made Miracles

It’s amazing what various scientists around the world have been working on during many months of lockdown. Here are just a few lateral examples of possible new products that might be available soon. In case you’re worried by some of them, don’t be. Most of them will never receive any financial backing to make them into real products. And if you do find some of these online, my advice would be NOT to buy them. They are probably untested, and might explode and turn you into a frog or something.
The Anti-Vax Vaccine (AVV): We may have rolled out the Covid vaccine to millions of people, but not everybody wants to take it. That’s quite understandable – nobody actually likes having needles stuck into their arm. This AVV jab will help you as it’s designed to soothe any fears about being vaccinated. It’s like a placebo—completely harmless and 101% safe—because there’s actually nothing in it! Just a few drops of sterilised water! It should remove any fears about needles or hurty arms or any Q-Anon conspiracy worries about politicians dressed as lizards and fake sugar ingredients. You can see with your own eyes that the AVV vaccine is completely transparent and clear like water, because that’s all it is. H2O. Water. Will it hurt? Will I get sick? Will I grow into an iguana etc? No worries! Once you’ve received the AVV jab, you then realise that being vaccinated is a perfectly OK procedure. Afterwards, you can go and have a real Covid injection without any further doubts or concerns!
The Time-Shifter: This is the month when the clocks go back one hour. Are you already worried about it? This little battery radio device (realistically priced at only £2,995) is tuned to the gentle muzak of Radio 2 and will instantly soothe you to sleep and remove any fears you might have about putting the clocks back. Turn it on all night on October 31st and simply remember not to touch any of the clocks in your house! Just leave everything as it is. Simple, Easy! The following morning, you wake up and look at your bedroom clock. Lo and Behold, phew—it’s still only 8am! But you’ll find that everyone else in the world has gone mad. They think it’s one hour earlier at 7am, but you just tell yourself they’re wrong. OK, so you might turn up one hour early for every meeting today, but you’ll be seen as energetic, fresh, alive and keen to get ahead (which of course you already are by one hour). It may be the rest of the world’s winter, but you’ll stay in summertime all year long!
The Sporty Pill: We all witnessed last month some amazing UK sporting successes. These were of course down to exceptional sporting talent and skill, but it’s a little-known lateral fact that some sportsmen and women may also have benefitted from swallowing a remarkable new skill pill. Exclusively imported from North Korea, it’s the same size as a Smartie and comes in different flavours: red is for tennis and blue is for golf. Don’t take the yellow one—it’s supposed to make you a better swimmer but it’s still in development and all it’ll do for you now is make you quack loudly and grow webbed feet. But the red one really does work and it’s available right now! Just take one at breakfast each day and you’ll be on Wimbledon’s Centre Court before you can say Emma Raducanu!
Fake News Detector: Sold as small packets of pink tissues, if you read something in the newspaper that you’re sure is untrue, remove a Fake News tissue and lay it on top of the offending article. If the newsprint goes bright red, you’re correct! It’s full of lies. This is so useful! Try it on the adverts in next Sunday’s newspaper. Or small ads for second hand cars. Watch as the porky pies are instantly revealed!
Tally Band: Pop this neat little wrist band onto your arm and within just a few days you will have grown a magnificent dense beard! I tried it and it works! See my photo on this page. Quite remarkable. Your beard almost grows in front of your very eyes. WARNING: not to be used if you’re female. Not only do women look fairly uncool if they’re sporting a large beard, the Tally Band is unpredictable and might cause you to be stoned without further warning. Either that or they might chop off your beard with an axe. Unfortunately, this often includes the removal of your head along with your beard.

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